Explanation?

Okay maybe my last post was insufficient. Who drives five hours to a crit, drills it with some of the best in the country, then suddenly sits up after 20 minutes, and then drives home five hours? It's been a depressing day, and I've been craving a beer since the afternoon, and failed to get my hands on one. No doubt I've been beating myself up, but that's typical- no one is harder on Murat, than Murat. I have yet to look at the Powertap chart, but I know that there came a point in this race where I was into the red zone pretty deep while trying very hard to be in the top 1/2 of the field. My breathing was labored, lungs felt tight, and legs felt like they were sprinting non-stop.. Even so, this wasn't even as hard as I worked at the Fall River Crit, where the hill is at least twice as long as at Chris Thater. So even though I had traveled so far, something kept me from burying myself to stay in the race. Somehow I forgot, or didn't care about how far I'd traveled and somehow I got it into my head that I was outgunned by every rider in the field and that it was hopeless to continue and that it wasn't any fun anymore and that I hated racing and wanted to stop and go home as soon as possible. Sound familiar? I hope not, because if you have ever gone through such a melt-down, then it means you're a crazy fool just like me. It happens to me sometimes, maybe even to the best of them.. I could point at a lot of things and say "that's why".. but this time I was wondering if maybe what happened during Chris Thater could be something like an anxiety attack. A very sudden mood shift that takes me someplace where I suddenly feel powerless and just surrender to the stresses I'm under. In other words, I quit. To be fair to myself, I did drive five hours and wear myself out stressing about how much driving I was doing and about getting there in time. Then I arrived with 35 minutes to start, I registered and got back to my car with only 20 minutes to get ready to race. All of it sucked. I mis-judged the distance and the time it would take to get there. Things might have been different if I drove in the night before, slept in until 10:00, and took my sweet time getting ready and warming up.. Woulda been nice.. It's time to move on, I know. There are quite a few more road events coming up, from Topsfield to Jamestown.. and I'll be back in the hunt pretty soon.. with an ax to grind.