So having missed a chance to race Wed at Ninigret due to the carnies, I resolved to do a tough 2 hour ride yesterday. The first 20 minutes were pretty strong, but then I just fell apart completely. Just stopped pedaling, started coasting, almost stopped. Wanted to turn around and go straight home.. Seriously considered it. but instead I dropped it into my granny gear (39x21) and resolved to ride for two hours, no matter what, who cares how fast or how many watts or whatever. Quitting the ride would be just plain wrong. It was a very sudden meltdown. Legs just wouldn't turn.. even though they feel fresh albeit weird from having two easy days in a row.. It was partly from long term fatigue, partly from a low energy level, and mostly, it was in my head. I'm losing interest in the bike, tired of it. Need a long break- like two weeks of not even looking at it or something. Remember- mid November is a long time ago. Mid November is when I started my 2008 season and I have not relented since that time. I thought I might just be sick and tired of training but I also don't seem to get too excited about racing either. This is all normal, no doubt.. but it manifests itself as a form of guilt somehow. That brings me down. It makes sense to feel a little burnt out at this point in the season, but it also feels like a big let-down, a failure of sorts.. and that just sucks balls because there's enough "un-success" in this sport without beating ourselves up about having had enough of it. I've promised people that I want to race in Concord tomorrow, I've even said that I want to do really well. (Is it an unspoken thing that everyone wants to win the bike race?.. because you never hear anyone actually ever say it out loud, it's all concealed, assumed.. Could it be that for most of us, we subconciously don't WANT to win?.. because we do not expect to win?.. and maybe we're afraid that screwing up our expectations with a victory, will hurt? That's some effed up logic, but the more I try to unravel it, the better I feel)
Desire and Belief.. That's the key. It's too bad they don't make a pill to boost them.. because it's obvious that the people who win bike races are the one who want it the most. They want it so much that they condition themselves to believe that they can. Long story short- You can't successfully train or race on a bike when you don't feel like doing it. Maybe I just had one off day.. We'll see tomorrow, won't we?